Local Revision: Wordiness

Rosengard, Beth. 10/2014.  https://pixabay.com/en/scrabble-tiles-words-letters-text-906404/

Original Passage

CVS’s announcement commercial and overarching theme of the campaign is geared towards fixing the habit of smokers. This mentality forced upon by CVS really puts the outward personal perception at stake for smokers. It’s this new update in the long-standing debate between the public acceptance of cigarettes that has further solidified stereotypes and more importantly prejudices against smokers.

Edited Passage

CVS’s announcement commercial exists to eliminate smoking. It puts smoker's personal reputations at stake. This event has reinforced prejudices against smokers.

Thoughts

The less wordy excerpt still gets the main idea of the original excerpt across, but less analytically. The three sentences are really what I want the audience to take away in the big picture about the commercial, but the reality is that there is so much more that can be said. The edited passage does not accomplish the portrayal of the level of specificity of the original paragraph because I chose my words in the original paragraph with care of what I wanted the reader to understand. Yes, the announcement commercial exists to eliminate smoking, but it is also important that we recognize this is the real reason behind the entire campaign of which the commercial just acts as the face of. Thus, I want my reader to know it is to the greatest extent of this controversy that CVS is trying to rid smoker's of the habit, and that I chose these words with individual meaning.